Tolstoi Sessioonid - It's always the same with you/Everybody gets a little lost sometimes

http://www.mediafire.com/?gamui40l1etg02q

Tõlge: Erich Kästner - Teine kiri iseendale

Berliin, 19. jaanuar 1940

Kohvikus Kurfürstendammi ääres

Minu kallis Kästner!

Varem kirjutasid Sa raamatuid, et teised inimesed - nii lapsed, aga ka sellised inmesed, kes enam ei kasva, saaksid lugeda, mida pead sa heaks või halvaks, kenaks või jõledaks, naljakaks või kurvaks. Sa arvasid end kasulikuks tegevat. See oli aga viga, mille üle Sa täna, ilma et süda meile valu teeks, järele vaadates muigad.

Need lootused olid õppemaks, mida peab tasuma igaüks, kes arvab, et inimesed igatsevad tagantjärele nende tagasitulemist. Tegelikkuses ei taha nad lihtsalt paigale seisma jääda, kuna neil on hirm vaikuse ees, mitte midagi aga paigalseisu vastu! Nende tee käib ringiratast ning nende eesmärk on ringjoone piiridele üha kiiremini ja võimalikult tihti tagasi nõjatuda. Pojad teevad isadele ringiga ära. Ringimängu eesmärgiks on rekord. Ning kes pealesurutud karusellisõidust näivalt kaastundes hüüab, et nende reis ringiratast on mõttetu, peetakse vägisi tujurikkujaks.

Nüüd tead sa, et sa eksisid, kui sa parimat tahtsid. Sa olid nagu mees, kes tahtis veenda kalu jõe , et need ometigi viimaks kaldale tuleks, kõndima õpiks ja end maaelu eelistele pühendaks ning kes peab siis kalu, mis on veel vihatekitav, õelateks ja rumalateks, kui nad murravad talle lubadused ja viimaks vandedki ning jäävad vette, kuna nad on kõigest kalad.

Kui mõttetu oleks tahta lõvidele, leoparditele ning kotkastele jutustada taimetoitlusest mõistab ka väikseim laps. Aga pettekujutusest, et inimeste hugas - nagu nad praegu on ja alati olid - saab arendada teistmoodi kõrgemat eluviisi, hoiavad targad ja pühad kinni oma arututes südameis.

Olgu’s nii! Soovigu nad siis edasi teha kaladest osavaid jalakäijaid, röövloomadest veendunud taimetoitlasi ning Homo sapiensist homo sapiensi! Sina aga võta oma tagasihoidlik vaimne osa, mis sul oli selles südandsoojendavas ettevõtmises, tänasest päevast mängust välja! Sa oled nelikümmend aastat vana ning nutad taga aega, mida Sa, et olla neile kasulik ja neid abistada, oled kasutult ja abitult kaotanud. Keera ringi ja pööra tähelepanu endale!

Saatan ise on vist sind rakmestanud, et sa oma väärtuslikku aega raiskasid jutustamaks kaaskondlastele, et sõjad on taunumisväärt, elul on kõrgem eesmärk kui üksteise vihastamine, petmine ning ikke peale surumine, ning et see peaks olema meie eesmärk tulevastele edasi anda põlvedele parem, kenam, arukam ning õnnelikum maailm. Kuidas võisid sa küll nii loll ja ülbe olla! Kas sa siis selle pärast siis ei hakanud kooliõpetajaks, et siis pärast saada just selleks?

On ülbus tahta õilistada maailma ning häbematus tahta õilistada inimest. Nelinurk ei taha hakata ringiks isegi siis mitte, kui teda suudetaks selles veenda, et ring on täiuslikuim kujundistest. Inimesed on juba aastatuhandeid jõuga vastu punninud, et neid ei koolitataks ükskõiksest harakaparvest ümber ingliteks. Nad hoiavad end kõigi vahenditega selle vastu. Nad võtavad neild ingliteigijailt omandi, vabaduse ning lõpuks ka elu. Elu on sulle veel alles jäetud.

Sokrates, Campanella, Morus ning teised seesugused olid tohutud lollpead. Nad jooksid mõistlikkuse nimel peaga vastu seina ning läksid, tänu keerukatele koljuluumurdudele, kirja ajalooraamatutesse. Müürid, mille tahetakse vastu joosta, seisavad muutumatuna vanas kohas ning varjavad nagu vanastigi lõputut silmapiiri. Seepärast soovitaski Immanuel Kant vaadata ülesse taeva suunas ning iseendi südametesse. Kuid ka selle ees tõmbuvad inimesed tagasi, sest nad vajavad kammitsaid: ning kes neid kammitsetuks nimetab, peaks tegema seda rahulikult, mitte vihaga.

“Kes inimest muuta tahab, alustagu iseendast!” kõlab üks vanasõna. See aga annab edasi ainult tõe algust. Kes inimest muuta tahab, see alustagu mitte ainult endast, vaid jätku ka enda muutmine pooleli! Rohkemat selle kohta hetkel kirjutada polegi. Ülejäänud teenivad elatist, et ellu jääda. Proovi seda ka ning ole kindel, et saadan Sulle oma parimad soovid.

Sinu lahutamatu sõber

Erich Kästner.

P.S. Ära unusta sekretärile ütlemast, et ta hangiks mõned lilled ning paneks need Sinu kirjutuslauale. Ma tean, kuiväga Sa armastad vaadata üle liiliate ning tulpide lumiseid katuseid. Jah, ning ühtlasi puudub sinu pruunil jakil üks nööp. Sa oled selle pannud oma paremasse välitaskusse. Teenindus peaks selle otsekohe külge õmblema.

Muide: et koristajaprouat nimetatakse ühtlasi ka “teeninduseks¹”, on väga kõnekas. Verbaalnimisõnast, mida väljendab seda tegusõna hõlmav tegevus, ilmselgelt piisab, kuna taoline ametikoht, hoolimata töö naiselikust loomusest, on tõepoolest nagu isiklikustatud tegevus, ega õigupoolest seostu prouana üldse.

Head ööd, nooruke!

1 die Aufwartung verbist aufwarten - “kellegi järele ootama”

Tõlge: Erich Kästner - Esimene kiri iseendale

Berliin, 12. jaanuar 1940

öösel ühes baaris

Väga austatud härra dr. Kästner!

Loodetavasti pole Te minu peale vihane, kui Te need read hommikul vara oma postkastist ees leiate. Et ma Teile - kuigi ma tean, et see pole mitte ainult tavatu ja pigem suisa näotu iseendale kirjutada - ühe kirja saadan, tahan Teile tõestada, kuiväga ma soovin Teieni jõuda.

Ärge olge seega palun vihane! Ärge visake seda kirja prügikorvi, vähemalt mitte enne, kui olete selle lõpuni lugenud! Kas pole Teile piisav see teatav rahulolu, et ma Teid, sõltumata meie ühiselt nauditud ja kannatatud minevikust, kõnetan austavalt ja distantsi hoidvalt “Teiega” selle asemel, et Teid sõbralikult sinatada, kuigi mul oleks selleks täis õigus?

Ma tunnen küll Teie uhkust, mis peab usalduslikkust familiaarsuseks. Ma olen teadlik Teie tundlikust hingest, mida Te aastakümneid kestnud pingutuse vältel olete katnud kõva ja külma kestaga ning ma olen valmis seda arvesse võtma. Tagasihoidlik suhtumine toob kaasa teenitud suhtumise. Meie, väga austatud härra doktor, teame seda, sest oleme seda kogenud piisavalt palju. Nüüd aga leian ma, kui ma ━ olles ümbritsetud lärmavatest ning naervatest inimestest ━ pudeli šampanjat Teile pühendan, et üksindusega ei tohi üle pingutada.

Ma mõistan ja hindan Teie põhjuseid. Te armastate elu rohkem kui inimesi. Selle mõttelaadi vastu ei saa väita midagi, mis veenev oleks. Ning ka see on tõsi, et kusagil mujal ei või nii üksildane olla, kui suurlinna värisevates majades.

Kes Teid põgusalt tunneb, ei suuda uskudagi, et Te üksildane olete. Sest ta näeb Teid alatasa naiste ja sõprade seltsis. Need sõbrad ja naised teavad kahtlemata juba paremini, sest nad alatasa tajuvad, kui võõraks Te, hoolimata kõigest, neile jääte. Ometigi hoomate ainult Teie ise lõplikult, kui üksikuna Te end tunnete ning millist võlu, põimitud õnnest ja valust, Te hoidute inimestelt vastu võtmast. Teid on selle pärast haletsetud ning ometigi ka kadetsetud. Te olete naernud. Teid on isegi vihatud. See on Teile valu teinud, aga mitte Teid muutnud.

Ükski käepigistus, ükski hoop ega ükski suudlus ei suuda Teid oma südame varjupaigast välja kupatada. Kes seda ei usu, ei tea üldse, miks see nii on. Ta mõtleb võib-olla noorte, kes hirmuäratavate kogemuste eest peitu poevad nagu pelglikud lapsed kurja kasuisa eest, pisaraterohkest maailmavalust. Ometigi Teie, Härra, pole enam mingi nooruk. Te ei kurda oma mälestuste üle ning Te ei tunne hirmu tuleviku ees. Teil on sõpru ja vaenlasi hulgi ning olete sellest hoolimata üksi nagu esimene inimene! Te kõnnite, sarnaselt temale, lõvide, paabulindude, hüäänide, kudrutavade tuvide ja vähenõudlike eeslite hulgas. Ning kuigi Te teadmisepuult õuna sõite, ei visatud Teid hiljem paradiisist välja.

Siiski: Pole hea, et inimene üksi on! Ja kui Te juba teistel keeldute enesele läheneda, peate lubama vähemalt minul aeg-ajalt lähemale tulla. Ma otsustan, kuna ma meid tunnen, teha seda posti teel. Rebige puruks see kiri, kui Te seda soovite, aga ma siiski sooviksin, et Te seda ei tee!

Parimate soovitustega,

Teie väga ustav

                       Erich Kästner

NB. Vastus pole vajalik.

Märkus pärast esimese kirja kättesaamist.

Berliin, 13. jaanuar 1940

kodus

Mõnda aega tagasi lasi postiljon kella ning tõi kirja. Ning nüüd, pärast seda kui ma - olles natukene hämmeldunud - olen lugenud, mis ma endale eile öösel kirjutasin, pean ma enesega nõustuma. Mul oleks tõesti vaja rohkem kokkupuuteid, vähemalt iseenesega ja vähemalt kirjalikultki!

On hea saada kirja kelleltki, kes on lähedane. Ja mina, kurat võtku, olen ju endale ometigi lähedane? Või olen ma suisa iseendale võõraks muutunud? Aeg-ajalt mul selline tunne on. Siis hakkab mul kohutav ning kasu pole sellest mingit, kui ma väljas, koridoris oleva peegli ette lähen ning omale väikese kummarduse teen. “Lubage, Kästner,” ütleb peegelpilt. Minu parem silm naeratab tema vasakust silmaaugust. Pole alati lihtne head nägu säilitada.

Ma peaksin enesega rohkem sõbrustama hakkama. Kui miski muu ei aita, siis minu poolest kasvõi kirjalikul teel. Halvimal juhul kergitan ma kõigest markide müügikäivet Riigipostis. Ei tohi unustada, et ma alati trükitud aadressiga ümbrikut kaasas kannaksin. Oleks täitsa katastroofiline, kui sekretär teada saaks, et ma iseendale kirjutan.

Ei saa tõepoolest jätta tähele panemata, et kirjanikud on mõnevõrra hullud. Aga enamik on sealjuures selle üle veel uhked ning kannavad oma veidrusi nööbiaugus. Sellised inimesed on mulle ebameeldivad. Pagan võtku, see on kohustus end mitte käest lasta. Kolleegid, kellele Loodu on kinkinud niinimetatud kunstniku vaimu, valmistavad mulle kurbust, kuna nad ei oska seda muuta; ning ma imestan üha uuesti, et nad, selle asemel oma silmatorkavat nägu salamisi häbeneda, eksponeerivad seda edevalt nagu baaridaamid paljastavat dekolteed.

An evening in Tartu's autumn

Originally published in the magazine Värske Rõhk, issue 40. The Estonian version can be read here.
 
I have created the English version of this text in order to take certain liberties a translator never can. Most important of those is the way direct speech is handled, which I have left unchanged and added a translation in the form of footnotes. In that sense the direct speech is the symmetric opposite of the Estonian version and the difference is only in the quantity of foreign speech in the text (as Estonian is the common language used in the story).
 
Unlike the Estonian version, this text has not been edited properly, so please excuse the mistakes in grammar, rection and other idiosyncraties that have slipped through.
 

By the time Arno left school, a fog had covered the town. The late-November wind was not very strong and a silence, anticipating the coming Christmas, had taken a hold of the town. Already there were Christmas songs played on the Raekoja plats and construction workers were placing a tremendous flatscreen on the very moment. In their yellow vests, the police was on high alert and Christmas peace was under guard on every street. Arno had just finished his day’s work and was now thinking of home. But since he was still in the town centre and the night was still young, he found these small details to be enough of a reason to stay for a little while longer. The week had just begun and it seemed - for the time being at least - that it would be coming one of those quiet evenings when very few people would be found on the streets willingly. He thought back at the previous week and the week before that, and regrets weighed heavily on him. The fog was getting thicker, he gladly stepped among it.

Soon he was wandering around aimlessly, passing the usual places and looking inside windows. There too, only a small number of people sat, strangers mostly, an occasional acquaintance among them. Only when he had reached Tehas did his luck change. On another occasion he would probably have gone foward - the person in question studied economics and they had known each other better as children -, but he was not very picky on that night. The week had, after all, just begun, all ways out remained open and even home was a short distance from Tehas.

A familiar ooze of sweat and grease shot at him as he opened the door. The music was rather quiet and there was an air of temperance among the voices inside. The girl behind the bar said hello, he ordered the cheapest beer as usual and went to the back room. It turned out that there were actually two people he knew (he recognized the other face but they had never really spoken). He raised his hand to greet and others did the same.

“Pole ammu näinud, Joosep.”¹

“Arno! Ega jah.”²

“Kas ma...?”³

“Jajah - võta tool.”⁴

As Tehas at that time was emptier than usual, it was not that difficult to find one. He dragged the chair at the boys’ table and took a seat next to them. After a moment of silence, Joosep spurred back to life: “Ahjaa! Arno - see on Georg Adniel. Ta on välisüliõpilane Saksamaal.”⁵ He then turned towards Georg Adniel. “This is Arno. He is my friend.”

The German nodded and said:: “Very nice to meet you, Arno. I’m Georg.”

             Arno wanted to answer, but words got stuck in his mouth. He had never been that good with languages in school.

           “Yes. Very nice.”

          He took a large gulp of beer and this helped him get over the moment. At the same time, Joosep started to explain the situation to the foreigner: „Me and Arno, we come from same place, went school together, grew up together and had lots of fun then. Kas sa mäletad, Arno,” he said, switching to Estonian, “kui me koolimaja tiigi juures venelastega kaklesime?”⁶

Arno did remember; there had been seven of them he thinks - all the boys from the village - and three or four of the Russians. But the Russians were bigger too. They had driven in from town, vodka with them and loudly started to break things. Arno would have wanted to call the teacher or the police, but Joosep didn’t let him. It’s a matter of honor, he said, and so they went to protect the honor of their home. Next week neither Arnor or Joosep made it to school - Arno because his wounds still needed healing, Joosep because nobody wanted to see him there. He heard from others later that the princal had seen Joosep the next day and tried to hit him with a fire iron. Arno doubted, whether this had exactly been what happened, but something among them definitely took place and a few years later, when they started writing a petition against the old principal, Joosep had been one of the first to sign it. At any rate, this was the last time they had any closer contact. The blood that had been jointly spilled rather drove the boys apart, and during the next few years Arno tried to avoid any dealings with Joosep quite consciously. At the end of ninth grade, their paths parted completely - Arno went to a secondary science school in Tallinn, Joosep stayed put. That had been about five years ago and it had only been September when the two boys got back in touch with one another.

         “Jah, mäletan küll,”⁷ Arno answered. But he did not have any desire to start discussing the question in any great length (especially if Joosep was planning to translate everything to English), so he turned the conversation to a more familiar topic. “Oota, sa õpid majandust, eks?”⁸

           Joosep nodded. “Hakkasin see sügis.”⁹

         “Sa oled esimesel aastal?” Arno was surprised. “Olime ju samas klassis.”¹⁰

         „Läksin pärast kooli kohe tööle – Soomes ehitamine ja muu selline. Siis tuli sõjavägi peale. Hea kah, et tuli. Muidu oleksingi äkki sinna ehitama jäänud.”¹¹

         “Ja tagasi ei kutsu?”¹²

Joosep shook his head. “Tead, sa võid ju raha eest rügada terve elu, aga kaua sa ikka teiste taskuid täidad. Teen oma kolm aastat ruttu ära, panen äri püsti ja viie aasta pärast ehitan Soomes juba enda maja. Väike mökki järve ääres mändide vahel poleks paha, või mis?”¹³ he added with a grin. Arno’s father had likewise been a builder an led the seventh largest construction firm in Central Estonia (based on the turnover of 2002.). Then he too found that much more profitable than building houses is selling them. The times were good, the old man had plenty of contacts and the banks were somewhat more lenient in giving loans. As a smart kid, it was clear for Arno pretty early on that an investment loan is not the same as a private loan and that SMS-loans pose an ineffable danger to the Estonian economy.

Soon enough they started living in a new exclusive suburban project near Tallinn. In the beginning they were almost the sole residents of the neighbourhood and when Arno walked home from the bus at evenings, he often imagined himself as the last person on Earth among empty houses and half-finished construction sites. ‘There will come soft rains’ or whatever it was called. Sometimes he borrowed the keys to these empty houses and imagined it was exactly that.

This was all, of course, in the beginning - the venture turned out to be immensely successful and more and more young families found their home in the new Männinõmme neighbourhood. Some men from Pärnu involved them to a construction project in West-Estonia and in the end they even had a third one in Latvia with a name Arno which never did manage to learn properly.

“Aga mis sa ise teed?”¹⁴ asked Joosep.

          “Olen kirjanduses ja kultuuriteaduses. Hakkas just kolmas aasta.”¹⁵

        “Kirjandus!” Joosep shouted. “Aga sul oli ju matemaatika alati selge. Mis sa sest kirjandusest õpid?”¹⁶

        “Noh, tead, kujunes välja kuidagi nii.”¹⁷

         Arno was just about to finish school when it happened. The old man had a hear failure and in school they kept repeating that cardiovascular diseases are the number one cause of death in Estonia. This was not much of a comfort. But there really wasn’t half as much time to cry than mother used - already with a week strangers, “business partners” appeared behind the door and talked of old debts, waving around with some contracts.

       Of course, what happened next took place several steps well above Arno - stockholders here, stockholders there, the Ministry of the Environment and politicians. The only thing clear was that nobody really cared about the him or his mother’s faith so eventually they came after, one article of law at a time, even to the floor under their feet.

         That is why it was more than obvious by summer that he would like to get a far from the capital as possible, likewise from all sort of speculation or fighting over money. In that sense the Tartu University’s Facult of Philosphy offered a perfect solution. Because in culture, he thought, one is free and it is the morality of people that counts, not mutual favours or self-righteous asswiping.

     “Kes sust siis saab,” Joosep asked, still being somewhat shocked. “Eesti keele õpetaja maakoolis?”¹⁸

            Arno sighed to himself. It seems they were talking of all the old things again. Secretly he peeked at his clock. It seemed that outside the weather had cleared already, tomorrow’s lecture was to start at ten and if went home right now, he could take even a third look at the materials.

          “Kuule, naljakas, et ma sind just täna näen,” said Joosep when no answer from Arno came. “Teele tuleb täna Tartusse! Tegelikult me Georgiga siin Teelet ootasimegi, ta peaks kohe ka tulema. Sa mäletad ju Teelet?”¹⁹

           For a moment, Arno thought deep back into his childhood and then shouted: “Teele? Teele Jalgtee?!”

           “No ega ta Jalgteeks kaua enam jää,” answered Joosep, grinning and raised his right hand. There were several rings, but his index finger was empty. “Peaks suvel pulmad tegema. Oled ka kutsutud.”²⁰

          “I think I need a smoke,” suddenly the third man among them said. Joosep flinched because while speaking, he had forgotten the German altogether, but already a moment later he answered with his usual confidence.

             “Yeah, me too. Kas sa tuled ka?”²¹ he asked from Arno.

            Arno did not respond immediately. He did remember Teele. As a matter of fact, he remembered her very well. Just a moment ago, he had been ready to talk about tomorrow’s timetable and how he is teriibly sorry to leave already, but now...

           He did not smoke generally, but he did keep a pack in his pocket just in case. He rose up and on Joosep’s lead the three men left the empty Tehas. In fresh air Arno’s mind started working better. Before moving away he had lived fifteen years on the same street with Teele, their houses being almost opposite to each other. They did not speak much (Arno had to admit, that he had never been a really talkative person), but they did share their way to school. When he stayed at home after the accident by the pond, Teele had been the only one to visit him. Then he had told her, what really happened (also how the most painful blows he had received from Joosep because he had not dared to go along). This conversation remained their childhood secret and, back then, Teele had thought that Joosep was really a bad person. Knowing that these two were now together fell upon Arno like a pile of stones.

          They stopped in front of Äpu. Adniel had not yet stopped his smoke (it was one of those fancier foreign brands, but Arno couldn’t really tell anything more) and Teele was about arrive too. At first glance, Arno did not recognize her at all - the blond girl she remembered had cut off her hair, dyed them silvery grey and now wore glasses. He figured he himself had not changed that much.

         “Arno!” she shouted and embraced the boy. „Sind pole ju nii kaua näinud! Kus elad? Mis teed?”²²

            Arno intended to answer, but Joosep beat him to it and said to everybody: “Kuulge, väljas on külm – lähme siis.”²³ This seemed a good idea and they moved down the stairs.

              The night had reached its peak - the people standing in front of the bar were like a small wall which kept others waiting behind them. Still, it was not that difficult to find a place on the left side of the room. Arno quickly made sure that there were not any other people he knew here tonight and that was all the better. Now that things had started going their way, he did not really wish to see any new faces that evening. The air had cleared, all players had taken their position and Arno remembered that besides mathematics, he had once also been fond of chess. Joosep proposed that he would go and buy some drinks. Having taken money from all of them (though Teele’s part he returned graciously), he stepped out from the immediate hearing distance. This time the silence that ensued was rather short, however - Adniel, who had so far been stoically silent, suddenly asked: “So what are you studying, Arno?”

              Arno doubted for a moment as he was not sure in his answer. Then he remembered the webpage his curriculum was at: “Culture sciences. What about you?”

              “Well, in Düsseldorf I majored in philosophy,” Georg answered, apparenlty happy that somebody finally was talking to him, “but I’m focusing more on theology right now – I plan to do my PG thesis on the Herrnhuter Brothers here in Estonia. What’s your research topic?”

               This kept going worse! Arno thought hard. Wasn’t there supposed to be a class about this? ”It’s very complicated,” he said then, “how long you in Estonia are?”

              And so forth; they found out that Georg Adniel came to Estonia in September and that he was going to stay here for at least spring term, he was living in the student residence at Raatuse street (he knew Joosep from there, actually), but planned on moving out on the first chance, being a little old for that kind of life. Estonia is nice, the nature beautiful, the people friendly (though not as talkative as the Germans) and the beer cheap and good. In addition he said that he offers - more to pass time than to earn money - private lessons in German. He was surprised by how many Estonians knew German and praised the Estonians’ talent for languages.

            “Oh, you are German!” Teele suddenly exclaimed and said something Arno could not understand. Georg Adniel laughed at the phrase and responded in kind. Joosep came back the same time, four glasses in his hand.

          “Noh, janutab ka juba?” He put his hand in his pocket and drew some coins and four candies. “Näe – natuke jäi üle kah. Ja neil on seal süüa!”²⁴

             Arno laughed and took the candy. But the money was worn out and dirty, seeming - when compared to the beginning of the year - somehow unpleasant. “Sa hoia seda enda käes,” he said to Joosepile, “järgmise korra jaoks.”²⁵

             Joosep looked at the heap of money with some discomfort, but nonetheless wiped the coins on the palm of his hand and pushed them deep into his pocket. Georg Adniel saw this and made some joke about the europäische Finanziell– und Vertrauenskrise. They both laughed even though Arno did not understand, what was there to laught about. When he looked at Joosep it seemed that Joosep did not understand anything at all.

            The night dragged on. Some new company arrived, others left. It also happened that people came in together, then already they went their separate ways. Everybody had a desire either to find or replace someone and each passing hour more and more aimless wanderers, who just banged the door. By midnight a group of people from a university corporation appeared and scared off most people with their loud patriotic singing. When the dust had settled, only a small, diminishing host of people remained.

           As time progressed, Joosep said less and less - a bad sign when one is at the consumption of alcohol. Arnon increasingly had to keep up the conversation and this made him feel unpleasant. So they spoke of school, the differences between faculties and of Tartu in general - Arno had after all been here for three years alread, Joosep being only on his first. These were the usual subjects from Arno’s backpocket when he did not quite know, what to say.

            At some point Gerog Adniel announce that he would go and do another smoke. Joosep did not react to this so the German went alone. Yet as soon as he had left the room, Joosep turned to Teele and said sharply: “Kuule, võta natukene rahulikumalt, eks?”²⁶

          “Mida sa sellega öelda tahad?”²⁷ Teele asked. During the last hour she had not talked to Joosep that much and so the gradual change in the boy’s mood had also gone unnoticed.

            “Tead väga hästi, mida ma öelda tahan,”²⁸ Joosep answered. As long as he was sitting quietly on his chair, it was not as obvious, but now when turned around, it occurred in a series of clumsy movements. Joosep, Arno realized, had been lost for the evening.

             “Joosep, kuule...”²⁹ he started, but Joosep immediately snapped back: “Ole sina vait korra.” He then said to Teele: “Ma tahtsin öelda, et no võta natukene rahulikumalt. Selle saksa kutiga, eks.”³⁰

          “Noh, sa oled ikka omajagu loll tõesti,” Teele laughed. “Ma ei või kellegagi siis rääkida, jah?”³¹

              It seemed as if Joosep had not hear this and said: “Tule, lähme.”³²

  

            “Ei kavatsegi!”³³

           “Lähme.”³⁴

            He grabbed Teele by her wrist and a grimace of pain appeared on her face. Yet no cry followed and a moment later her resistance stopped. She shouted: “Hästi!” and pulled her hand loose. They both stood up to leave and Teele said to Arno, as if guessing, what he had in mind: “Jää siia parem. Ma räägin temaga ise...”³⁵

            They had just reached the door (Arno was a little further off, fumbling with his coat) when Georg came back in. He asked: “Hey, what’s up?”

               Joosep pushed him aside and said: “Fuck off. We’re leaving.”

              Teele added something in German and Arno - just before he slipped through the door after them - muttered another “sorri” to conclude. During the next few weeks, he thought, I have to be careful not to meet Georg Adniel.

            The Rüütli street was practically empty. Two police officers in yellow vests were passing by and Arno noticed his companions moving towards the town centre. There were sounds of an argument and he decided to keep some distance. This would have been a good moment for a smoke, but he had no matches so he dropped the idea at that.

   It seemed that Joosep was keen on avoiding any excessive attention and they turned left on the first corner. Yet the anger must have diminished and Arno caught up with them after the parking lot behind the Public Library. They had just crossed the street when Arno called out for them. Joosep stopped.

            “Arno... kurat, mul vaja kusele minna.”³⁶

   

              He then fled behind the writer’s monument. 

              Arno sadly looked at Teele and asked: “Sinuga on kõik korras?”³⁷

              Teele just shrugged and replied:: “Mis seal ikka. Küll ta hommikuks rahuneb.”³⁸

              Arno stepped a little closer to Teele. It seemed terribly wrong, what had happened to her since they last met. It was not the girl next door he once knew, but a complete stranger that now stood before her and he was not sure, whether he could ever cross this strangeness.

            “Sa räägid päris head saksa keelt,” he said for the sake of saying something. “Miks sa ülikooli ei tulnud?”³⁹

              “Ülikooli!” she laughed, “Mis mul sellest ülikoolist? Mul on elus muud ka kui kool. Kust ma selle raha võtan? Mul on haige ema kodus. Kes siis tema eest hoolitseks? Ja kas sa arvad,” she pointed her head towards Joosep in the distance, “et tema jätaks mind hetkekski rahule, kui ma siia elama tuleksin?”⁴⁰

               “Ma arvasin lihtsalt...”⁴¹

               “Ei, Arno, sa ei ole kunagi lihtsalt arvanud. Ainult keeruliselt. Hüvasti, Arno. Ole tubli.”⁴²

               Teele turned around and grabbed the approaching Joosep by arm. The boy did need some support too as he had apparently tripped somewhere and his trousers were all torn apart and dirty. Teele waved one more time, but when they then moved towards Kaarsild, neither of them looked back anymore.

             Arno started walking towards home. The wind grew and he pulled his coat more tight around him. he had a desire to yell insults, throw stones at windows or spit at the face of the first person he met. But the town was empty, so he was left alone with his anger. From the Rüütli street to the right, then to the left again, up the hill and away home. Until morning.

            “Vabandage, kas teil helkur on?”⁴³ a voice suddenly said so that Arno jerked. He turned around and saw behind him a man with a yellow vest. It was possible that he had already seen him during the night, but then again they all seemed the same to him. This one did look a little fatter than they usually were.

              “Helkur peab olema, kui öösel liikuda,” the man added when Arno made no reply. He stepped a little closer and Arno sensed the stench of filth and alcohol flowing from him. His first reaction would have been to keep his distance, but Arno forced himself to stay put. “Nüüd eriti, sest muidu võtab politsei kinni. Oodake.” He put down his plastic bag, the bottles clanged, and pulled from his pocket a small yellow slab of plastic. “Võtke vähemalt siis see.”⁴⁴

          Arno took the reflector and observed it for a moment. The Comarket logo appeared like a secret message. Still holding the reflector with one hand, he started to grope in the pocket with his other. “Aitäh, ma...”⁴⁵ But the man with the yellow vest raised his hand and said: “Häid jõule teile.”⁴⁶ Then, not waiting for an answer, he went his own way.

             Arno looked as he parted, thoughts of a different kind of life drilling through his brain. He stuffed the reflector to his pocket and moved further into the night.

1 “It’s been a long time, Joosep”

2 “Arno! I guess it has.”

3 “Should I...?”

4 “Yeah, yeah - grab a chair.”

5 “Ah yes! Arno - this is Georg Adniel. He’s an exchange student from Germany.”

6 “Do you remember Arno /---/ how we fought those Russians by the school pond?”

7 “Yeah, I remember,”

8 “Say, you’re studying economics, right?”

9 “I started this autumn.”

10 “You’re on your first year? /---/ But we were in the same class.”

11 “I went to work straight after school - building in Finland and stuff like that. Then the service came. And it’s good that it came, too. Otherwise I maybe would have stayed there building houses for good.”

12 “And you don’t feel an urge to go back?”

13 “You know, you can work for money all your life, but what’s point really, if all the profit goes to someone else’s pockets. I’ll do my three years in no time, set up a business and in five years time I’ll be building my own house in Finland. A small mökki next to some lake among pine trees doesn’t sound that bad, does it?”

14 “But what are you doing yourself?”

15 “I’m in Literature and Cultural Research. Just started my third year.”

16 “Literature! /---/ But you always knew math so well. What are you studying literature for?”

17 “Well you know, it turned out like that.”

18 “But who will you become then, /---/ An Estonian teacher in some village school?”

19 “Hey, it’s funny that I see you today, /---/ Teele’s coming to Tartu tonight! Actually George and I were waiting for her, she should come soon. You remember Teele, don’t you?”

20 “Well he won’t be Jalgtee for long /---/ We should have weddings in summer. You’re invited too.”

21 “Are you coming too?”

22 “Arno! /---/ I haven’t seen you for so long! Where’re you living? What you’re doing?”

23 “Hey it’s cold outside - let’s go then.”

24 “Well, you thirsty already? /---/ See - I got some change back. And they have food there!”

25 “You hold on to them, /---/ for the next time.”

26 “Hey, take it a little easier, ok?”

27 “What do you mean by that?”

28 “You know very well, what I mean by that.”

29 “Joosep, listen...”

30 “Shut up you for a sec. /---/ I just wanted to say that, you know, you take it a little easier, ok? With that German guy,”

31 “Well you really are stupid. /---/ I can’t talk to noone then, can I?”

32 “Come on, let’s go.”

33 “I don’t think so!”

34 “Let’s go.”

35 “Fine! /---/ You stay here. I’ll talk to him myself...”

36 “Arno... fuck, I need to take a piss.”

37 “Are you okay?”

38 “Well whatever. He’ll calm down by the morning.”

39 “You speak pretty good German, /---/ Why didn’t you come to the university?”

40 “The university! /---/ What good will the university do to me? I have other things in life than school. Where should I take the money? I have a sick mother at home. Who would take care of her? And do you think /---/ that he would leave me alone ever for a second if I came living here?”

41 “I was simply thinking...”

42 “No Arno, you never think simply. Only complicated. Goodbye, Arno. Take care.”

43 “Excuse me, do you have a reflector?”

44 “One needs a reflector if one moves around at night, /---/ Now especially, because otherwise the police will take you in. Wait for a moment. /---/ Take at least this then.”

45 “Thank you, I...”

46 “Merry Christmas to you.”